Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.