GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Finally!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool