Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.