Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Perfection.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first