Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
PER MY LAST EMAIL
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!