GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Every house has this drawer
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Oh no
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Boating season is upon us.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.