Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I put the hot in psychotic.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.