Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“No way.” -Jose
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.