Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.