@Sickayduh: Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED
Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
@AnOrangeSNES: Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
@markhoppus: During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends' step counts.
@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty"
-me as a hypnotist
@Midgetspar: If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn't listen to the victim. I'd draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."
@Voiceofgarth: I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant something different.