The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
They say women only use 10% of their anger
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!