Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…