I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Sharon I have some bad news
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song