I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The news
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again