Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’