“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S