“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
You Might Also Like
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth