just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!