Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Because Iām a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentineās Day and because Iām his wife I ate all of them.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sinkā¦is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
guy who came to check out whatās making noises in my attic told me itās āone of the creepiest attics [heās] ever seen.ā not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room āI donāt LIKE HER HAIRā parents very apologetic but iāve made an enemy for life
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldnāt loan him 5 bucks.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we donāt care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: Cāmon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* Iām trying! I donāt feel the remote anywhere.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now Iām on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Pregnant women are full of ācompressed heirā
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.