EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Sniffing the broccoli
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Why is everyone getting married at me
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
See..?
.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were