Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
lmfao come on
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”