Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.