Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese