good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.