@pissrifle: good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones
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@MGigger: I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room. Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night. I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort. They’re all grounded.
@meganamram: I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
@DominicStraw: Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!