I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂