Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
🍛
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet