When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing