Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I hope this email finds you in a well
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!