@comfynumb2012: Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.
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@QwertyJones3: [First day working in a warehouse] ME: What's that machine for? "Oh, that's the forklift" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
@LoveNLunchmeat: Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
@funnybrad: Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever
@BillMc7: listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk