Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.