Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.