Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Every BBC series about the universe.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning