Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with