Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”