@AmberTozer: Good thing "you only live once" has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it's no big deal
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@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@JD_KC: The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?