Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother