Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I’m crying im so happy for them
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*