@SamDeLanche: Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
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@graceful_asfuck: Me: oil change plz Toyota: it'll be $39 Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon 4 hrs later T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
@SCbchbum: Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): "lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck)."
@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@Playing_Dad: Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves