[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.