*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin