wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.