“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.