Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.