Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.