Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Weirdly Wednesday.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.