[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it