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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out