Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
only 11 steps left
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
this chia pet tastes awful
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.