Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Spa day..😅
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.