google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
You Might Also Like
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”