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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
absolutely not
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.