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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.