[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’