Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
You Might Also Like
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.